Your Self-Confident Baby by Magda Gerber

If You Want Gerber’s Thoughts in a Nutshell, Here’s Her Basic Premise

To keep it simple, I divided my summary into three parts: Gerber’s general philosophy of child rearing, how that philosophy is implemented in specific scenarios (eating, sleeping, playing, etc.), and how Magda Gerber’s sensitive observation philosophy could be broadly applied to raise a confident baby.

Part One: Magda Gerber’s General Philosophy

Parents of a newborn should do nothing except focus on their child and each other. Gerber urges that at least one parent should be an active participant in the baby’s formative years. One parent should be home for the first three years of a child’s life. For the first two and a half years of early childhood use an educare strategy, by spending most of the time at home with your child. Infants and toddlers need sleep, peace and quiet, so rather than stimulate them, allow their growth to happen slowly and naturally.

Keep A Calm Home Environment.

Create a calm and peaceful environment for your baby. This includes soft lights, low voices, and slow movement. Handle your baby in a gentle way. This will help your baby feel secure and calm, as well as give her time to process information. Babies don’t need constant entertainment in the form of rocking, bouncing and swinging. They should be allowed to sleep as much as possible.

Observe More, Do Less.

Gerber’s golden rule: observe more, do less. To observe, just relax, clear your head, and focus your attention on your baby. Try not to have any preconceived notions; simply be open and detached from what you observe. Look at every part of your baby. What is holding her attention? What are her arms, legs and face doing? When does she seem bothered? Observing will help you get to know her, which will affect the way you treat her.

Feeling Secure is Key.

To form attachment, a baby needs to feel secure that when she cries, she will be responded to and taken care of. Basically, she needs to know that when she cries from hunger, she will be fed. This also helps her feel competent that her behavior (crying) elicits a response.  A parent should be an available base of security. If the baby wakes at night, respond with your calm presence. If she wants to be held, and you’re busy prepping lunch, it’s okay to tell her you will pick her up in few minutes.

Talk the Talk.

Talk to your baby in an honest, direct, loving and soft tone. Address your baby respectfully, tell her what you are about to do, and explain what is happening while you do it.For example, if you say “I’m going to change your diaper,” give her a little bit of time for the information to sink in, wait for her response, and then proceed with changing her diaper. By talking to her, you are not treating her like an object and she builds trust when she can anticipate what will happen next.

Developmental Milestones — Your Kid Will Be Just Fine. 

Don’t have unrealistic expectations of your child. Gerber encourages parents to utilize the RIE Philosophy, let your child develop their own natural abilities. Every healthy child will learn to sit, stand and walk. When they reach these milestones are not measures of intelligence or a predictor of future success in life. Your child should be accepted for what she can do. Rushing a child to reach milestones before she is ready will make her feel like she’s not living up to your expectations. Additionally, allowing her to learn tasks and solve problems at her own pace will help her trust in her abilities and derive the joy, satisfaction and confidence of having mastered problems on her own.

Every healthy child will learn to sit, stand and walk. When they reach these milestones are not measures of intelligence or a predictor of future success in life.

Set Routines.

Your home routine brings security to your baby and builds her trust in you.  Meals, naps, baths and bedtimes should happen at the same time and in the same place every day. Your day should be arranged around a child’s eating and sleeping schedule, which will add predictability to your life and theirs.

Be Present.

When you spend time with your child, whether you’re diapering, feeding, bathing, dressing, or holding her, find ways to fully connect with your baby so that she will be calmer when you are apart.

Part Two: Application to Specific Scenarios

Feeding Your Baby

Au Naturale.

Your baby should be fed in the most natural way possible, which ideally is breastfeeding. You should feed her in the same quiet, private and comfortable places. Focus on the present moment and the pleasurable feelings you receive during feedings.

Weaning.

Respect your child by letting her lead the weaning process. The opportune time to wean is usually when she is busy exploring the world (i.e. when she is mobile).

Solid Food.

Once your baby can eat real food, help her differentiate tastes and textures by feeding her each type of food separately. Once your baby is able, set down small pieces of food so she can pick them up and eat them with her fingers. Let her indicate or ask for more. The goal is for her to be in control and know when she’s hungry or full.

Be Chill; Don’t Force Feed.

Keep mealtimes pressure free. Don’t worry about how much your baby eats in a day — look at the total for the week. Tell your child what she will be eating, show her the food and allow her time to decide to sit down and get ready. When your child is a toddler, you can let her help prep and set the table. If she doesn’t want to eat, take the food away and offer it again later. Eventually she will choose to eat at times food is presented. You could (and should) set simple rules that your child can understand and follow. For example, you can tell your child, “If you get up from the table, that tells me you’re not hungry, so I’ll put the food away.” Then make sure to follow through.

Sleeping

Cozy is Good.

Newborns prefer small cozy spaces, such as bassinets. Swaddling is too binding and prevents a child from moving. It’s best to keep toys out of the bassinet; the message to your child should be to sleep rather than to play. Clinging to a favorite teddy bear or blanket is fine.

Peaceful Day = Peaceful Night.

The more peaceful her day, the better the chances she will sleep well. If she has been sleeping through the night and suddenly stops, you should examine her daily schedule to see if anything has changed. If she resists settling down for naps or bedtime, put her to bed earlier so she doesn’t become overtired and fight sleep.  

Colicky babies, especially, need a peaceful environment because they are particularly sensitive to overstimulation.

The process of learning to sleep involves trust that your baby can and will learn to sleep the night on her own.

Nighttime Ritual.

A nighttime ritual will help your baby fall asleep and stay asleep. Make bedtime desirable by telling your baby earlier in the evening what will happen (basically give her a rundown of the routine). Let your voice convey going to bed is a good thing. Create a peaceful atmosphere before bedtime. You can do this by dimming the lights, reading a book or singing a lullaby. For an older (mobile) infant, you can also recount the day’s events — it’s a way of helping your child feel secure. Transitional objects like teddy bears can help her separate from you. Your movements, voice and environment should soothe rather than stimulate. Speak positively to her about going to bed. Stop feeding or singing before she drops off to sleep.

Place your baby in bed awake, say goodnight, and leave the room. If she falls asleep while you’re feeding her, put her in her crib — it’s best not to wake a sleeping baby. Then the next day, start the nighttime routine earlier so there is less chance she falls asleep while feeding.

Your baby may cry when you put her in the crib and leave the room. Go back in briefly and tell her she’s learning how to put herself to sleep. Sit in her room with her for a while without taking her out of the crib.  (This is NOT “cry it out” because you are in the room with her. Also note, Gerber likes the Ferber method). If she continues to cry, decide at what point you want to intervene and pick her up. Know that learning to sleep on one’s own is a gradual process. If she wakes up in the middle of the night, say “It’s nighttime for you; time for you to go back to sleep.” If you need to feed or change her, keep the lights low and make what you are doing as quiet and unexciting as possible.

Your child needs the opportunity to settle herself and go to sleep. The process of learning to sleep involves trust that your baby can and will learn to sleep through the night on her own.

 Play; What Kids Do Naturally

Make Some Outdoor Time.

Ideally, babies should have designated outdoor safe places because the natural world is full of stimulation. At about one month, if weather permits, put a crib outside. Start brief and gradually increase the amount of time your baby spends outside.

Toys.

Newborns don’t need toys; their environment is enough stimulation. Toys force your baby to pay attention to something — a prime example of artificial stimulation. When your child grows from a newborn to an infant (approximately 3 months old), you can introduce simple toys. Babies should be left to move freely with access to simple play objects. Encourage your child’s natural development by allowing your baby to master tasks on her own and figure out how a toy operates without your help. Similarly, instead of picking a toy for them, give the freedom to explore, let them choose what they want to play with. Let her develop tolerance for frustration and problem-solving skills by discovering how the toys work. Give your child time for uninterrupted play, however, avoid a “circus atmosphere” in which your baby becomes conditioned to being constantly entertained.

Keep it Simple.

Children can’t make sense of toys that have strong artificial lights, loud noises and moving parts — these toys encourage passivity and distract from the process of discovery. They should have simple toys that allow them to explore and discover their many possibilities. These objects can be almost anything, such as boxes, balls, breathable cotton scarves, soft plastic teething toys, large beads, plastic bottles and containers, soap holders, plastic colanders, stacking toys, plastic hair rollers, wiffle balls, semi-inflated beach balls, inflated plastic pool inner tubes, shiny objects like stainless steel pots and pans, board books, lifelike baby dolls, blocks, crayons or clay. Toys should be neatly arranged.

A simple play environment a child can explore and interact with that contains child-size objects, such as a child-size table and chairs set, helps your child feel competent and comfortable. Let her climb on things like low ramps, step stools and sturdy wooden boxes. She can play with objects such as safe kitchen utensils, containers for depositing toys, push and pull toys, open and close toys, cars and trucks, or toy phones. Large lifelike dolls, board books — especially those that show eating, bathing or playing — are good. Remove the TV from the play area, and trust in your child’s potential for creating a fun time on her own.

It is normal  for parents to want to protect their child and remove all obstacles – but it’s not beneficial.

Selective Intervention; Observe and Wait.

If your child is struggling with a toy, or anything else for that matter (and is not in any danger), it’s best to practice selective intervention. This practice asks you to observe and wait while your child searches for the answer. For example, if she is struggling  with grasping a toy, let her go through her own process, even if it’s hard or frustrating to watch. It is normal for parents to want to protect their child and remove all obstacles — but it’s not beneficial. Obviously, you should intervene if the child’s safety is compromised or if she is too frightened or frustrated to solve a problem. Trust that children are very good problem solvers if given the opportunity.

When adults provide “magical” solutions to problems, they not only rob a child of the satisfaction of discovering a solution, but they get her accustomed to a quick and easy fix. Always start with the minimum in terms of assisting them. Don’t go to the max; if an object is truly out of reach, push it just enough so your child can struggle and succeed to reach it.

Emotion Management

Mirror, Mirror…

If your child is upset because of something that happened, or if she and another child get into a fight, it’s important to validate your child’s feelings without escalating the situation or overtly imposing your will on your child.  One of the best ways to do this is to “reflect” or “mirror” for your child. Reflecting entails neither praise nor criticism; it acknowledges, informs and illuminates. Use simple phrases and expressions of feeling. For example, you might say, “Tommy took your ball away, you look really upset about that. Do you want your ball back?” Being descriptive in your comments helps your child feel understood. Reflecting also acknowledges and clarifies her feelings and desires: “You seem sad. Daddy just left.”

After acknowledging her feelings through reflecting, offer acceptable alternatives to resolve the issue. “It’s not safe for you up there. If you want to climb, you can climb onto the couch or on this ramp.” “I won’t let you hit Jake. That will hurt him. What else can you do?” It’s important for children to struggle and fail, and reflecting can help them deal with failure. For example, if your child fell off her bike, you can say, “You fell. Does it hurt?” You can move near her or hold out your hands. Be available, but don’t rescue her. Give her a chance to handle the situation the best she can. Reflecting on what happened shows that you empathize with her without making her a victim. Comfort her without overdoing it, don’t glamorize the idea of being a victim.

Part Three: General Application

Be a Supermodel.

Many things, like gentleness and sharing, cannot be taught to young children. Kids learn them through behaviors consistently modeled by their parents so model behaviors you desire for your children.

Language.

Reinforce new words for your child by repeating (reflecting) what she is trying to say. For example, if your child says “ba,” you can respond by saying, “You want the ball, don’t you?”  Children learn language skills by listening and repeating. If your child shows a particular interest in something, you can tell her what it is. For example, “You’re looking at a lamp.” Enjoying books together is a great parent-child activity. Remember to let your child lead and avoid “teaching.”

You should not  distract her to stop her from crying, rather try to figure out why she is crying so that you are able to help her. Don’t tell your child “you’re okay”

Be a Cry Baby.

Crying is your child’s language. It’s her way of communicating her needs and is a healthy expression of her feelings. She should be allowed to do so. You shouldn’t distract her to stop her from crying; rather, try to figure out why she is crying and how you can help her.  Make sure her basic needs are taken care of, but if she has no pressing need, observe her in order to discover a possible source of discomfort. Tell her you’re trying to understand what she wants. How long you wait before you pick her up depends on your tolerance.

Talk to her; your presence and soft voice may calm her. Don’t tell your child that she’s okay — clearly, she doesn’t feel okay, and you are negating her feelings. Doing this also stops your child from being in tune with her emotions. If she’s not in pain, you can let her cry. Babies shouldn’t need to continually smile and be happy to make a parent feel better. They should be allowed to be sad or uncomfortable.

Separation Anxiety.

Separation anxiety is healthy. When you are with your child, be totally with her. This will prepare her for separation. If she cries when you leave, speak to her in a calm, understanding manner.  For example, you can say “I can see you don’t want me to go, but I will be in the next room.” Don’t sneak;it undermines basic trust. Instead, tell your child you are leaving and who will be with her. Acknowledge her feelings, tell her when you will return and who is watching her, and go.

She’s allowed to experience the pain of separation and the good feelings when her parent returns. It prepares her for life.

Stranger Anxiety.

Respect your child’s fear of strangers. Never force her to be held or kissed by a person she’s afraid of.

Hold the Applause.

Let your child’s inner joy be self-motivating. You can smile and express your genuine feelings, but refrain from excessive compliments, saying “good girl” or making a big fuss every time your child achieves something. Being overzealous risks disrupting the learning process and causes your child to be a performer, not an explorer. Worse yet, it gives her the subtle message that she is not worthy if she fails at a task. When your child looks at you with pride after she catches a rolling ball, you can simply smile or reflect your appreciation. You may also thank her (rather than praise her) when she does something truly difficult, like waiting a few minutes for her snack.

Pacifiers

The message a baby gets when a pacifier is shoved in her mouth is to shut up. A thumb is a built in pacifier, and a baby can make the choice if she wants to suck or not.

Rocking Chairs, Swings and Slings.

These items should be used sparingly because they bring about an altered state of consciousness, which is, in effect, an escape from reality.

Similarly, slings, swings, bouncers are store-bought babysitters. The quiet they produce is artificially induced, and your baby cannot move freely (this is also why she doesn’t like swaddles). Your baby should get your full attention when you are with her — Gerber doesn’t believe in keeping babies strapped in a baby carrier for the sake of being close.

Self-care is Child-care. 

If you are satisfied and happy, you are more likely to interact with your child in a healthy way. If your own needs are met, you will feel more flexible, be more consistent and be better able to deal with your child. Take care of yourself and your needs without guilt. You will set an example for your child. Achieve a state of self-respect and give equal respect to your children. Living with babies is difficult, and you shouldn’t feel any guilt about thinking or saying this. Make sure to go out and have fun once or twice a week, or as often as you can.