The Danish Way of Parenting; What the happiest people in the world know about raising confident, capable kids, by Jessica Joelle Alexander and Dissing Sandahl
Danish people are the happiest people on earth, at least according to the World Happiness Report. This book purports to reveal why Danes are so happy: It’s all about their upbringing. The authors explain that the reason the Danish are at the top of the happiness pile is “the Danish way of parenting.”
When I first read the book, I didn’t love it. However, when I reviewed the book’s main points, I realized that it has some pure gold in it. If you scrape away all the typical stuff (play is great, outdoors is key, etc.) you are left with a parenting (and life) concept that is infused in Danish parenting. It is the idea that everything in life is about our perception—things are not as they are, but as we are. It’s the belief that the way we see things makes all the difference. I’m so taken by this approach because, in actuality, this idea is the root of happiness: happiness is a choice, it is a decision, it is a mindset and a state of mind.
There is nothing parents want more than for their child to be happy, so this Danish concept is parenting gold. The Danes instill certain skills for children to build resilience and view life and people more optimistically. I think incorporating some of the concepts the Danes embrace is one of the greatest gifts you can give your child.
Whether you believe the Danes are as happy as the authors claim is irrelevant. There are some powerful tips here that can be incorporated into your parenting regardless. Despite all its virtues and all its great macro-level advice, this book does not take concepts down to a micro-level. For a deeper guide on how to put a more positive spin on life, I’d check out the self-help section at your local bookstore.
So, let’s break it down a bit.
PLAY
Free play is crucial for a child’s development.It teaches a child resilience, to be less anxious, how to handle stress, make friends and have realistic expectations of the world. Danes think these skills are far more important than teaching children math or spelling.
Instilling resilience is a particularly large part of Danish parenting as it is a characteristic that will help children through life. Danes believe play is the best way to learn resilience. Young children have optional “free-time school” (skolefritidsordning) after their regular school, where they are encouraged to play.
Space to learn and grow
Danes believe that children need space and trust to problem solve and master tasks. Parents don’t intervene unless it’s absolutely necessary. They trust their children to be able to try and do new things. This freedom leads to healthy self-esteem and self-reliance as children learn to trust themselves and their abilities—their self-esteem is internally generated and not achieved through someone else.
It’s also important to let your child be. If children feel too pressured, the joy in what they are doing can be replaced by fear and anxiety. You can invite or encourage your children to push past their comfort level and try something new.
Play and coping skills
When children physically challenge themselves by climbing trees or jumping off high ledges, they are testing dangerous situations that teach them what they are capable of and how to handle fear. It’s important that they feel in control of the level of stress they can handle as it makes them feel more in control of their lives.
When they play with difficult children, they are learning self-control and negotiation skills with all kinds of personalities. This teaches them about their abilities and helps them learn adaptability skills. When you feel you need to “save” them, step back and take a breath. Their interactions with the more difficult children can provide them with the biggest life lessons. Playing well with others is essential for future happiness.
Tips for play
- Let them be in control of their play, with other children and by themselves.
- Imagination is an essential ingredient for positive play, so no electronics.
- Create a sensory-rich environment with a variety of materials.
- Put out art supplies so they can create.
- Find safe areas in nature where children can be free to play and explore.
- Mix children of different ages in play groups so they learn participation and are challenged.
- If you want to play with your kids, be fully and authentically in it. Get down on their level, be silly, let them guide, and let go for even twenty minutes a day.
- Build a home obstacle course with small stools, mattresses, chairs, or by other means, so children can move and have a space for imagination.
So far, this is nothing new. All of these concepts, less some of the more specific examples like mixing with different aged children, are concepts you’d find in almost any parenting book. However, it is an important and crucial element of raising curious, smart, and well-rounded children, so it bears repeating.
The idea of stepping back and allowing children to test their own limits is so incredibly important to respectful parenting and to your child developing a healthy self-esteem. I’ve personally instilled this particular idea into my parenting – despite having to bite back my own anxiety or desire to jump in and help my daughter when she’s attempting a physical exercise that can go awry. It’s amazing what she is able to do, and how good she feels about it, because she is given space to do it.
A: AUTHENTICITY
No fairy-tale endings
Danes believe that tragedies and upsetting events are things that we should talk about. They feel this is the more authentic way of dealing with life and creates empathy and respect for humanity. Danish films often have sad or dreary endings. They believe watching tragic or sad movies makes people happier by bringing their attention to the more positive and simple aspects of their life.
If we teach our children to recognize and accept their authentic emotions, good or bad, and act in a way that’s consistent with their values, the challenges and difficulties in life won’t torpedo them. They will know how to recognize and respect their own limits. This will lead to them having a rock-solid and authentic self-esteem that is resistant to external pressures.
Parenting with authenticity
Parents need to be a model of emotional health for their children. Parents should show their children that it’s ok to feel all of their emotions.
I’m all for authentic emotions and modeling emotional health (keeping in mind there is a FINE line between healthy modeling and dumping too much on young children). However, I’m really not a fan of this idea of exposing children to life. Childhood is meant to be carefree and fun—why burden children with life’s difficulties before they need to be? I trust they’ll learn about them soon enough, so there’s no reason to introduce them to this now.
There are also additional ways to teach them gratitude. They learn about life being sad, unfair, or difficult at times through examples that happen in their own life (not getting a toy, tripping and hurting themselves) which are upsetting events for them. I don’t think they need tragedy introduced unnecessarily into their life.
The Danish way of authentic praise
Being humble is an important value in Denmark. It’s about knowing full well who you are, and that you don’t need others to make you feel important. Danes don’t overload their children with compliments. They focus on the work involved rather than over-complimenting the child. This promotes humility, inner strength, and resilience.
If a Danish child scribbles a drawing for their parent, the parent will likely thank the child or ask about the drawing, rather than praise it. “What is it?” “What were you thinking about when you drew this?” “Why did you use those colors?”
I like this, but I think there’s also a cost to this. Of course, children—or anyone, for that matter—should be humble. However, I think it’s good to value extraordinariness in different capacities. I think it’s part of the human drive to succeed, to invent, to create, and to simply be motivated to do great things. If we are simply vanilla about things, we may be putting out fires, desires, and passions that lie within our children.
Fixed mindset vs a growth mindset
If children are too pressured or praised, they may learn to do things for external recognition rather than internal satisfaction.
Praising intelligence doesn’t give children the motivation or resilience needed for success. Praise children for effort and perseverance so they develop a growth mindset, which fosters motivation and resilience—attributes which Danes feel are the key to growth. An overuse of praise when things are easy can teach your child that he is only praiseworthy when he completes a task quickly and perfectly. The goal is not to make easily performed tasks the basis for our admiration.
Again, this is a concept mentioned in almost every parenting book (at least, the ones that talk about praise). Every author advises focusing on effort vs intelligence. I don’t know if I fully agree with this; you can read my thoughts on this here. Suffice it to say, I think praising effort has its own bag of issues, so I’d also temper the effort complimenting.
Additional tips for authenticity
- Be honest with yourself; listen to and express your own thoughts and feelings.
- If your kids ask a question, give them an age-appropriate, honest answer.
- Relay stories from your childhood—difficult situations and fun times. This gives them a better understanding of who you are and lets them know what they’re feeling is normal.
- Make honesty a (talked-about) value in your family. Teach them to be courageous enough to be honest and vulnerable enough to confess when necessary. Be nonjudgmental and put more focus on honesty over punishments.
- Read stories that encompass all emotions. Difficult topics presented age-appropriately encourage empathy, resilience, and gratitude.
- Teach children not to compare themselves with others. “You can be the best for yourself.”
- Add “for me” after a sentence to show your understanding that your experience of a given situation isn’t necessarily the same as your child’s. “The food isn’t too hot for me.” This helps kids recognize and honor their own experience.
R: REFRAMING
Reframing is a major concept of Dutch parenting as it’s a cornerstone of resilience. It is about placing less importance on the negative and focusing more on life’s positive aspects. We all see the world through our own frame/perception, so our whole life experience changes if we paint things in a more positive light.
Realistic optimism: Changing your perception
Danes are “realistic optimists.” They don’t pretend that negativity doesn’t exist, they simply choose to focus on the good over the bad. A Dane wouldn’t see rain as bad, but as an opportunity to be cozy at home with family. They eliminate unnecessary negative words and focus on the good feelings or on another time of feeling good. This thinking changes well-being.
So, for me, this is the gold in the book. This is the skill that I think is the ultimate gift one can give their child: the key to happiness. As I mentioned in the introduction, happiness is all about the way one sees things. It’s not about the way things are, but the way we are. It’s whether we see things in a pessimistic or optimistic light. It’s whether we can see the silver lining in things. I think incorporating this seemingly small shift in mindset can make all the difference in a child’s future happiness.
Limiting language
Language forms the frame through which we see the world. By reframing what we say into something more positive and less defining, we actually change the way we feel.
Danish parents do not negatively label their children. They believe statements like “she is too sensitive” are very defining. They especially don’t nonchalantly diagnose children with psychological or neurological disorders. They feel there are serious repercussions for labels.
The more children hear these types of statements, the more negative conclusions about themselves they make. Many of these labels and storylines stay with them into adulthood and these narratives become their life story.
Growing up, I saw the dangers of over-diagnosing. It is why I am so adamantly against throwing around labels, even in subtle ways. I saw how classmates who were put in the “resource room” still have the “stupid” label stuck to their identity. I saw those given even a natural pill for ADD thinking they had a behavioral issue and that something was (and is) wrong with them. I’ve seen people deprived of college, despite being fully capable of it, because of labels that are so ingrained in their self-worth and identity.
Parents will put their kid through an evaluation or therapy because it seems innocent, harmless, and free. I mean, why not? The government is paying for it; there’s no cost so it can only benefit, right? But there is a cost. It may not be in dollars, but if a child is needlessly put through an evaluation, or therapy, or medication, or a special class, or even a special diet, they are given a subtle message: something is wrong with you, you are different, and not in a good way. That is a high cost to bear. Of course, MANY children truly need the help. I just think it is imperative that parents don’t think these are simply harmless measures that can be taken with any child. These are subtle messages that are given to a child and identities that can stick with them through life. Therefore, it’s extremely important not to be nonchalant about these types of things.
Danes tend to point out the good characteristics in other children. This leads to children naturally seeing the good in others. They also try to explain a child’s behavior as merely affected by a circumstance rather than by a character defect (like being mean, selfish, or a bully). Adults help children see situations from different angles and get them to focus on the less negative outcomes or conclusions. This helps children see others in a more understanding light. It also shows children that we forgive them when they misbehave and helps them be gentler on themselves. They’re also asked questions to help them identify their emotions behind actions.
Separating the person from the problem makes us more able to feel like active agents in our own lives, empowered to combat the problem.
This is another concept that is great to take through life. Seeing the good in oneself and others can lead to less anger, resentment, and bitterness. We human beings are so hard on ourselves; there is so little forgiveness and understanding of ourselves and others. I have to wonder if incorporating these ideas would be all that’s needed to curtail this problem.
The Danish way of reframing
If a child is upset or angry, Danish parents try to help him become more aware of why he feels that way rather than saying how he should or shouldn’t feel. They help their children conceptualize their emotions or negative self-talk and guide them in finding something more constructive than a disparaging or limited belief. The solution ultimately comes from the child, so he builds self-esteem and becomes the master of his emotional responses. Once your child finds a better storyline, repeat it so it sticks.
Another way of reframing is to use humor. “I played horribly at practice.” Response: “Did your arm fall off? Seems like it didn’t, so that’s pretty good.” When using humor, be careful not to negate the child’s feelings or experience.
While I know I mentioned this idea of “reframing” as certified gold, it also bears mentioning that I think it has its limits (like everything else in life). If reframing is not done right, it can lead to children feeling discounted and it can, frankly, be annoying. I don’t want to stub my toe, writhe in pain, and then have someone tell me, “Well, at least you have toes!” It’s not funny, cute, or helpful. I also think the examples given of Danish “humor” are overly folksy, irritating, corny dad humor. Nothing about it seems funny to me, which means it may appear inauthentic, dismissive, and somewhat disconnected from true human emotions.
Because of these limitations, I think it’d be wise to read up on how to implement these ideas properly. My guess, without reading more, is to first acknowledge your child’s feelings, commiserate with him, let him sit a little with his discomfort, and then maybe implement some of these reframing ideas and look for the silver lining.
Additional tips for reframing
- Be an example. Find a more positive aspect to negative thoughts/situations in your own life. When upset at someone, try to separate the person from the action.
- Reframe your words, using less severe language and demonstrating more acceptance and less judgment. Instead of “I hate my mother-in-law“ you can say “She is a wonderful grandmother to my kids.” Everything we say and feel passes on to our children.
- Make a list of your child’s negative qualities, rewrite the sentences identifying the source of those behaviors. Try focusing on the positive side of their behavior so you can appreciate their uniqueness.
I agree with many of these tips—the best way to teach is not to tell or even show, but to live it. When children see this as your authentic way of living, they will automatically integrate these concepts into their lives without even realizing it. It will simply become the way they approach life as it’ll be the only way they know.
E: EMPATHY
Caring about others’ happiness is crucial for one’s own happiness. Danes believe that we can’t truly be happy without the interaction and support of others. Empathy facilitates our connection with others. It is also one of the most important qualities for making leaders, entrepreneurs, managers, and businesses (check out this article for more).
This spirit of teamwork and cooperation is seen in all aspects of Danish life:
Social groups, generally based on a shared interest, are a big part of Danish life. New moms are set up in groups with other new moms in the neighborhood.
The family is a team that fosters a deep sense of belonging. Kids are shown what part they can play. Cooking together, cleaning up together, and spending time together are everyday ways families foster a feeling of wellbeing.
In school, children work on group projects to encourage them to help others and engage in teamwork.
Learning Empathy
Empathy develops in infancy so a child’s home environment is crucial to its development. A child first learns to tune in to his mother’s emotions and moods, and later, to other people’s. Therefore, things like eye contact, facial expressions, and tone of voice are so important to the beginning of life. Attachment trauma will damage a child’s capacity for empathy.
When parents hide their emotional reactions to “protect” their children, they hinder their ability to read others’ emotions. They can’t self-regulate because of the mismatch between feelings and actions.
Another way Danes practice empathy is in their belief that all members of the family have a right to be heard, not just the one who screams the loudest.
Oh boy, is this a concept that speaks to me personally! I was the kid who was too proud to cry. My sibling would attack me, and I’d retaliate with a swift and effective response. Then, the sibling would go crying hysterically to my parents. I would never deign to demean myself and cry. So, who do you think got in trouble? The hurt, mousy-looking kid, or the tough, composed one? I’ll leave you to answer the question while feeling the resentment in my words.
I still see this happening as an adult. I have a nephew who is always getting into trouble. He’s feisty, loud, tough, strong, and opinionated. When he’s attacked, he retaliates hard. His brother is scrawny, artsy, and mousy. The former is always getting into trouble while the latter is always the good, pure one. When I started spending time with them, I noticed a pattern. The artsy brother would drop a manipulative, subtle attack that he knows will rile his brother and—lo and behold—his brother would take the bait. I now saw much of the frustration of the feisty brother felt in constantly being the “wrong” one despite passionately trying to defend himself. Just because a kid is crying, or quiet, or sickly, or shy doesn’t make them right. It’s important that parents genuinely listen to both sides and make sure every child is heard. Ok, end rant 😊.
School
Danish schools have a mandatory program where children are shown pictures of kids exhibiting different emotions: sadness, fear, anger, frustration, happiness, etc. The kids talk about these cards and put into words what each child is sensing, learning to conceptualize their and others’ feelings. Kids don’t judge the emotions; they simply recognize them.
They group children of different strengths and weaknesses so the children help each other and learn that everyone has positive qualities.
Socially
Children are encouraged to find solutions among themselves. If two children are fighting over a toy, the parents will ask if sharing is an option, or may propose a deal (one child plays for 5 minutes, then the other can borrow it). It’s OK to say no and enjoy one’s toy alone. Children learn to be more authentic with themselves when they learn that they won’t be forced to do something just to appease someone or to make things easier.
They also point out the child’s emotions, as well as others, and discuss it. “She looks angry. Why do you think she is angry?” “Why are you crying?” and then get down to their level to show them you see them. By simply acknowledging them and trying not to judge them we are teaching respect.
Reading to children markedly increases empathy levels. Be sure to read books that address all emotions and deal with reality.
N: NO ULTIMATUMS
A household full of yelling, power struggles and ultimatums is extremely rare in Denmark.
Spanking is illegal in Denmark. Children who are spanked may feel depressed and devalued and have low self-worth. It can also foster lying in children who are desperate to avoid corporal punishment.
The parenting style used in Denmark is democratic/authoritative. They establish rules and guidelines that their children are expected to follow. They explain reasons for these rules and are very responsive to their children’s questions about them. They see children as intrinsically good and react to them accordingly.
Danes call the “terrible twos” the “boundary age.” Children pushing boundaries is normal and welcomed, not annoying and terrible. In general, children are supposed to push boundaries and test the rules. They are not bad and manipulative—this is how they grow. Always set expectations in the context of your child’s age. This attitude makes it easier to accept behaviors rather than seeing them as bad or deserving of punishment.
They also distinguish between the behavior and the child; there is no such thing as a bad child—just bad behavior and bad parenting. Don’t blame the child. Take responsibility for yourself and try to parent better next time. Reframe the situation so that you stay calm. Then recognize that your reaction impacts your child’s behavior. Know what makes you snap and be careful not to get to that point. Good begets good; bad begets bad. Also, consider your child’s behavior in context, e.g., has there been any change in your child’s life that may be leading to a behavioral change?
ABSOLUTELY!! As harshly as the authors may put it here, it’s true. This is actually one of my parenting mantras. It’s important to look at your own behavior and not push all “fault” onto your kid. Either it’s genetics (you) or nurture (you). I often hear parents saying, “I’ve tried every punishment with my child—time out, spanking, taking away toys—but nothing helps.” My thoughts? Those are all (the same) forms of punishment. Instead, maybe look at why your child is behaving in such a way. See how you or environment may be contributing to it. Children don’t misbehave for no reason.
I find that a change in attitude and expectations helps with my patience level. When my daughter is overly clingy and won’t give me any space, I remind myself that she’s feeling scared and anxious and needs me to feel safe. When she dumps every drawer out on the floor, I tell myself that she is simply a two-year-old and needs this for her learning and development.
“Authoritative parenting,” which the authors are describing here, is the parenting style that is advocated for by parenting books and professionals.
Yelling and physicality are often amplified by the added stress of someone watching you. Don’t worry about what others think of your child’s behavior.
If you’re yelling too much, make a vow to stop. Your children mirror you; you are their role model. To avoid spanking and yelling, find ways to reduce your stress. Get more sleep. Breathe. Exercise more. Get some time away. If you feel like exploding, give yourself a time-out.
Know the difference between the battles and the war and don’t take every battle. Figure out with your partner what matters and when the big lines need to be enforced. Be consistent, but not a dictator.
In Danish schools, students and teachers create the rules together. They decide what values and behaviors should be implemented to make it a good class which reduces the need for ultimatums.
Danish alternatives to ultimatums
Throwing things: Take item(s) away. Distract or remove the child. When you say “No,” be calm about it. Use humor: Mime an “ouch” from being hit by the object and give it back. If he throws it again, show him again, shaking your head and looking distressed.
Hitting or biting: Be firm, hold the child, and tell her “No!” firmly. Have her look at you and give you an apology sound and caress her so he learns early on the meaning of sorry and that physicality is unacceptable.
Mealtime is a common breeding ground for power struggles. Mealtime should be an enjoyable occasion for the family to come together. Put a little bit of everything on your child’s plates and let him choose what to eat. Meals should be enjoyable, not marked by tension focused on the fact that children must eat. Danish parents might say: “Do you want to be big and strong?” The parent asks the child to flex her muscles to show how strong she is and assures her that it comes from the vegetables and healthy foods she is eating.
Additional tips for no ultimatums
Write down all the ultimatums you use regularly. Consider how you can turn them into something more positive.
Appreciate protest for what it is: a way of communicating or a sign of growing independence.
Show your child that she is heard and understood, even if you can’t fulfill her request. Repeat it so she knows you heard her. “I hear that you want a cookie, but it’s almost dinner time.” Explain why something can’t be done. Teach respect and be respectful, and you will be more respected.
This last tip is the key to respectful parenting. Your child is human and has feelings, wants and needs like everyone else. Just because you find her grievances to be petty, doesn’t mean they are. The same way we want to be heard and empathized with; our children want that too. Just making them feel heard and understood can help with behavioral issues.
T: TOGETHERNESS
One of the ways Danes incorporate togetherness is through Hygge (pronounced “hooga”). This means to get cozy together. It involves lighting candles, playing games, singing songs, eating together, having treats and tea, and just being in each other’s company in a cozy atmosphere. It is anything you can enjoy together as a family.
It is putting yourself and any drama aside for the benefit of the whole. It’s sacrificing your individual needs and desires to make a group gathering more pleasant. It’s choosing to enjoy the most important moments of our lives—those with our family and friends—and respecting them as important.
Tips for togetherness and Hygge
Make a pact with the whole family to be in the moment and help make things run without conflict and controversy. For an example of a Hygge oath, check out thedanishway.com. Everyone should agree to leave their daily stressors and negative talk at the door. Keep it lively, happy, and positive. Kids mirror this behavior—and they feel safe and valued in doing so.
Try to imagine what kind of experience you are about to have, and then think or talk about coping strategies that will help you remain calm while you are there. Use empathy and reframing to help.
Make the atmosphere cozy with warm lighting, homemade craft projects, and decorations, and food and drinks you have prepared together.
Keep it technology-free so everyone can be present.
Organize more team building activities for children to encourage working together, create scavenger hunts, build a fort, organize a tournament, be creative. Have older and younger kids play together. Put your personal preferences aside and do things everyone can take part in.
Confide and share. This sounds like a great idea, but no need to take this too literally.
I do think family and togetherness are the spice of life, so quality time together is important. A couple of years ago my family started congregating at my parents’ house for Sunday brunch. It started organically, but now (or at least pre-Coronavirus) nearly every Sunday we all eat brunch and laze around all day while our children play. It’s a great way to keep children connected to their extended family, a wonderful way for them to feel part of a larger whole, and it’s simply an enjoyable way to spend a Sunday.
Find more Hygge tips at thedanishway.com.
SUMMARY
So Dutch parenting all comes down to the principles of PARENT. Play helps your child learn essential life skills. Authenticity helps children understand and trust their emotions. Reframing gives children a more positive perspective on life. Empathy is essential for human connection. No ultimatums lead to a more peaceful home. Togetherness is a key component of a person’s happiness.
Dutch parenting focuses on children learning resilience, socialization, inner strength and developing a strong internal compass to guide them through life. These goals drive the way Danes parent their children.
From my perspective, the best thing Danes do is put a positive spin on life. Everything in life is about our attitude and perspective- it seems like the Danes know that pretty well. Happiness IS a mindset. I think teaching/showing/instilling in our children a more positive way of looking at life is priceless. After all, what more do we want for our children than for them to be happy?
