A Book by Tracy Hogg, Melinda Blau
Premise: Treating infants with respect and using common sense is, theoretically, the key to “baby whispering.” Treat your baby as a person to give her the respect she deserves. Infants do better when life is calm and predictable, so get started right away with a routine.
My Thoughts on the Secrets of the Baby Whisperer
Honestly, there’s really not much I liked about this book. In fact, I found the author pretty insufferable and the book quite annoying. She tries too hard to sound British, friendly and brilliant. She speaks as though she’s about to drop an earth-shattering bit of info, and then states something completely unoriginal. Who is unfamiliar with the philosophy of talking with your baby?It also seems she copied many of her ideas from Resources for Infant Educarers® (RIE®) and Magda Gerber’s “Your Self-Confident Baby”. She doesn’t seem to have an original thought, and some of her examples are ridiculous and hard to believe. Even the physical book is annoying—the odd size makes it difficult to handle.
General Principles of Respect
Slow your pace down to match baby’s. Babies respond to sweet, simple, slow movements. It takes time, respect, observation and a calm environment to get to know her. If you watch and listen carefully, your baby will tell you precisely what she needs and how to help.
Refer to your baby by name – not as “the baby” – so you don’t think of her as a helpless blob.
Circle of respect
Envision a circle around your baby, an imaginary boundary that delineates her personal space. Never enter without asking permission and explaining what you’re about to do.
Talk
Your infant is always listening and, somewhat, understands. Remember to talk with, not at, your baby. Whenever your child is involved in an activity, watch and listen and wait for her response (coo, cry, gesture) and make it a dialogue.
Let your baby know what’s coming next for dependability, structure and predictability. Never do anything without warning or explaining what you are doing to her. When your baby cries from a dirty diaper, tell her what you’re about to do, talk her through it and when you’re finished say, “I hope that made you feel better.” Maintain a steady dialogue throughout.
Talk about your daily activities. Show family photos and use peoples’ names. Point out and identify objects: “See the doggie?”.
Acceptance
Get to know and accept your baby for who she is; don’t compare her to some norm. When your baby plays, observe her and consider her accomplishments to date to learn what activities are appropriate for her (a rattle is not appropriate for an infant who can’t grab.) This will allow your child to acquire knowledge at her own pace.
Temperament
The author goes into a whole song and dance about different baby temperaments…Why? You’ll know what upsets and soothes your baby She does have one good point though: temperament is not a life sentence. Nurture plays a vital role in development
Cool, it took 20 pages to get to one decent point. I wish the author took her own advice and kept things simple. She tries to turn child-care into a science to give herself credibility… or to fill a book, but it just makes me not trust her We all know babies have different levels of fussiness so there is no need to discuss her pointless categories. She just overcomplicates things this is a recurring critique throughout my review.
Newborns
Have everything ready a month before your due date so you can focus on getting to know your baby. Take a deep centering breath when you walk through the door. Give your baby a tour of the house. Limit visitors for the first few days. Start her off right and allow her to fall asleep in her crib or bassinet. Watch as she gets sleepy, hungry, soothed or responds to stimulation so you get to know her.
Love at first sight
Some moms are instantly in love with their baby, but for many it takes a while. True love comes as you get to know the person, so it will take time to love your baby. Too many parents are ashamed when they don’t feel madly in love right away.
I repeat this sentiment no matter how many times it’s discussed in books as I find there is such a misconception for new mothers. It took me a while to realize and accept that I’m not the kind of person who experiences puppy love, so I wasn’t going to have that instant “love” for my daughter from moment uno. I truly believe it’s generally women who’ve always dreamed of being a mommy who experience these feelings. Deep, genuine love takes time.
E.A.S.Y. Routine
A structured routine from Day 1 is the answer to all parental problems. There is no need to live by a clock, but baby’s need consistency and order. EASY is a recurring period, approximately three hours long that includes Eating, Activity, Sleeping, You. It ensures that every family member’s needs are met, not just the baby’s. It also helps you make intelligent guesses about what your baby wants even before you understand your baby’s language. The goal is to guide your baby and at the same time get to know her needs. Often babies diagnosed with colic are really in need of structure.
A routine takes time, patience and perseverance. Keep an EASY log, especially during the first six weeks, to learn her habits. By three months, you’ll understand her patterns and language.
E = Eating
Before choosing between breastfeeding, formula feeding, or both, consider logistics, lifestyle, personality and temperament. It’s a physiological and emotional decision; breastfeeding is harder than you think.
The author drones on about why breastmilk is not necessarily the best choice. It’s really just a defense of formula and an attempt to, once again, sound smart by posing an alternate opinion. No one disagrees. Parents are not bad for choosing bottle feed—it’s a reasonable choice, but every medical professional will agree that breast is best. Her claim that there’s no proof breastfeeding is better, is an utter fabrication. By tirelessly trying (and miserably failing) to explain why formula is just as good, she inadvertently sets breastmilk as the gold standard, and conveys that formula meets the bare minimum – kudos!
Some of her advice about breastfeeding is bizarre or, again, obvious Some of her pearls of wisdom include: to watch others breastfeed; to place two band-aids around your nipples to practice how to hold your breast; to speak to a doctor who knows about breastfeeding. She also tells fantastical stories about women who feared their baby would swallow their nipple!
Ok, lady. You’ve literally dragged your book through the mud and lowered it to a sleazy, sensationalist tabloid. Watching people breastfeed doesn’t show you how it takes over your life. Which doctor doesn’t know about breastfeeding? Practice putting your fingers in the right spot? What sane woman believes a baby will swallow her nipple? Holy cow – we’ve reached a new level of ridiculous! This author overcomplicates the simple and brings up the whackadoodle in her effort to bring something new to the table. It was at this point that I completely lost respect for her. Frankly, she sounded like a complete idiot.
Feeding
Reserve a spot solely for feeds. Take your time and be present; talk to and touch your baby in a quiet, gentle way. Respect your baby’s right to have a peaceful meal- don’t be on the phone or talking to a friend.
I took “no distractions while feeding” seriously—no phone, reading or TV while I breastfed my daughter. Surprisingly, it wasn’t difficult. I firmly believed that if I was distracted, my baby would feel like second place and that I was not present (because I wouldn’t be). If we are doing other things, we are mindlessly pushing our boob (or bottle) in their mouths and not really engaged with them, communicating that someone/something else is more important. Although every book recommends talking to your baby, that did not come naturally or easily for me. I felt it was more important to be authentic with my child, so I was more physically than verbally affectionate.
Baby Whisperer’s Breastfeeding Tips
- Try to keep your baby up while feeding. If all methods fail, let her sleep for half an hour.
- Breastfeeding is never about time or ounces; it’s about being aware of your baby’s needs.
- Give yourself 40 days (the postpartum period) of not expecting too much.
- Even a little bit of breastmilk is better than none.
- Keep to a schedule, demand feeding leads to an overfed and demanding baby (a problem often mistaken for colic) and parents thinking all crying equals hunger.
Breast manners
At around 4 months, babies start fiddling with you/clothes/jewelry. Start teaching “breast manners” early. Be firm but gentle, teaching boundaries. Hold her hand and gently move it away from what she’s touching. If biting, respond with, “Ouch. That hurts. Don’t bite Mummy.” If that doesn’t help, take her off the breast.
I actually loved that my daughter played with my hair and face as she got older. She still likes playing with my hair and I think it’s such a sweet time for us. My daughter bit only once or twice. I gave her a stern “no” and took her off my breast. It seems to have worked.
When starting solids, never force your baby to eat a particular food.
A = Activity
Make your baby’s environment interesting, pleasant and safe. Less is more where babies are concerned, avoid overstimulation.
Activities are opportunities for babies to foster security and independence. The more comfortable and safe a child feels, the more likely she is to venture out and explore. Strike a balance between giving your baby the guidance and support she needs while respecting her natural development. Let your baby play independently, it’s always a good idea to observe more than interact.
If she tries to involve you, jump in but always let her lead. Never place a baby in a position she can’t get into on her own. Don’t give her toys that are outside her developmental capabilities.
Bonding time is when you’re doing things with your baby, so focus and give her undivided attention.
If your baby is overstimulated, put away anything that shakes, rattles, jiggles or squeaks. Try this for 3 days and see if baby calms down.
Most, if not all, of these ideas sound remarkably similar to RIE and Magda Gerber’s respectful parenting tips. While I love these ideas, I’d much more recommend reading Gerber’s Your Self-confident Baby.
Baby Whisperer’s Activity Guide
The Newborn Stage
Read simple books, look at pictures, play music and sing, respond to her coos, draw black lines on an index card, a “womb box” can go in the crib to mimic womb sounds. Keep 1-2 toys in the crib for newborns and rotate them. Primary colors stimulate babies; pastel colors calm them.
Once Your Baby Has Head Control
Get a mobile for the crib and playpen. Don’t position it directly in her line of sight, within 14 inches from her face, as babies like to turn their heads. Show pictures of faces, a mirror, flashcards with black wavy lines, circles and simple pictures (house, smiley face). If she makes fussing noises, she may be overstimulated, so rescue her right away.
I don’t believe in any toys in a crib, and I’m not sure why there is a whole industry around crib toy mobiles. A crib is meant for sleeping.
When Your Baby Can Reach and Grasp
At around 3-4 months their favorite playthings are you and simple, responsive toys that make noise or feel good to touch. They love to cause a reaction. Anything that makes noise gives them a feeling of accomplishment.
When Your Baby is Able to Roll
Give her everyday items, like a spoon. She also will love to play with and mouth little shapes, cubes, balls or triangles.
Once Your Baby Can Sit Up
Let her explore on her own. Don’t jump in and help the minute she fusses; stand back and offer your encouragement. It inspires confidence to say, “Good job, you’re nearly there.” After she tries to reach it, you can hand her the toy. Give her simple toys that reinforce an action, like a jack in the box that pops up when she pushes a button or lever.
Once again, this is an exact copy of RIE, but I absolutely agree with it. I’d always let my daughter “struggle” to do something if I knew she could. For example, if she was reaching for a book that was a bit difficult to grasp, I wouldn’t rescue her. I’d tell her she could do it, and she generally could. If I realized she couldn’t reach it, I’d move the book just enough for her to grasp it with a bit of effort. The same goes for her climbing stairs, drinking from a cup or building a lego tower. I genuinely believe that children can do so much more than we think, if we just let them. It’s astonishing to see what they can do when we believe in them.
Now that she’s a toddler, I see some of the fruits of that labor. She really attempts tasks that many toddlers her age don’t. I always wanted her to feel confident and try to figure things out for herself. I also think it teaches her to work hard and persevere. I feel these are life skills that will serve her well through adulthood.
When Your Baby is Mobile
The best toys: encourage her to put things in and take things out, household items like a spoon and pot for banging/rolling, and push and pull toys. She can put things together, clean up toys and play peekaboo to learn object permanence. Observe her to learn who she is from what she does, rather than trying to make her into what you want her to be.
Childproofing Your Home
A play space can be a 3×3’ area, cordoned off with cushions. If you remove too much from your home, you deprive your baby of the opportunity to explore and learn right from wrong. When your baby asks to look at something, let her feel and manipulate it – but always in your presence. She may tire of it once she’s allowed to touch it. Invest in miniature versions of adult items that your child finds interesting.
Playing Music for Your Baby
The Secrets of the Baby Whisperer recommends introducing your baby to music in the following stages:
- Newborn to three months: lullabies.
- Six months: nursery rhymes.
- Nine months: Play three of the above songs, once each.
- 12 months: Add a new song (so four in total), and play each twice. Incorporate gestures.
I’m not sure what her reasoning is for the above music protocol. My baby loved upbeat music, not nursery rhymes. I would stick with what your baby (positively) responds to.
Winding Down
A bath and massage are great for the last activity or “A” of the day. Be respectful, don’t yank a onesie over their head; buy clothes with snaps or velcros. If your baby doesn’t like baths, wait a few days and try again. Massages are a great way for fathers to experience the closeness that breastfeeding fosters. (Wait, so breastfeeding does provide a specific closeness??) Start with a three-minute rub at a time when you’re not rushed or preoccupied and build up. If baby cries, stop and try again in a few weeks.
S = Sleep
Sleep is learned, so parents have to teach their babies how to fall asleep on their own. Babies need to feel safe and secure in their own cribs, but also need to be comforted when distressed. Parents also need to have adequate rest and moments for themselves and each other.
Baby Whisperer’s Sleep Tips:
- Cluster feed: Feed her every two hours before bedtime – and give a dream feed right before you go to bed (e.g., feed at 6 and 8 then dream feed at 10:30-11:00). Don’t burp or change her at the last feeding unless she’s heavily soaked or soiled.
- Look for tired signs and act on baby’s first yawn—definitely by her third.
- Develop bedtime and nap time rituals, at the same time in the same order. Stop if you see her looking dazed or if her eyes start to close.
- If you cuddle, rock or utilize other sleep props, you are teaching that these are needed to fall sleep. It’s not respectful to thrust a pacifier or breast in baby’s mouth to silence her; give her the opportunity to develop self-soothing skills. Allow her a cuddly toy if it calms her.
- Place her awake in the crib and tell her what you are doing. If she falls asleep on you and then moved, she will wake up disoriented, and not feel safe in her crib.
- Don’t rush in at the first whimper.
- Don’t let your baby cry it out. Pick her up when she cries, meet her needs (soothing, diaper) and put her down as soon as she’s calm. You can give her a gentle rhythmic pat on the back and make a “sh…sh…sh” sound. Reassure her that you are there to help – whisper in her ear, “It’s ok. You’re only going to sleep”. Continue to pat as you put her back in the crib. Stop patting when she stops fussing so it doesn’t become a prop. (I found this a bit confusing with some seemingly contradictory strategies; my best guess is that she means put your baby down when she stops crying, and if she is still fussing, pat her in her crib until she stops.)
- Keep a sleep diary for four days. Write down wake times and keep track of every nap. This will help you learn your baby’s sleep patterns.
- Don’t put baby to sleep right after eating. You don’t want her dependent on bottle or breast.
- Don’t cave in. It takes tremendous resolve to stick to a plan when baby is screaming.
Overall, I agree with her advice, but what is she saying that’s new? The one unique technique she offers is to pick up your baby when crying but put her down immediately after her need is met. Do this on repeat. I don’t get why so many books have an issue with babies being dependent on food to sleep, unless it doesn’t allow her to return to sleep independently in middle of the night. Feeding is calming and relaxing – many babies fall asleep while doing so.
Additional Sleep Tips:
- Swaddle for the first six weeks. After seven weeks, swaddle with hands exposed and close to the face.
- No guests around bedtime. Baby will have FOMO.
- Use a pacifier during the first three months to assist with sleep. If she spits it out, don’t put it back in. If baby needs it, she’ll let you know by gurgling or squirming. After 3 months, fingers will do.
- Babies take 20 minutes to fall asleep; don’t try to rush things.
- Most sleep problems happen because of sleep props or because parents rush in at the first whimper.
- Darken the room.
- If your baby has a fussy morning and sleeps an extra half hour, let her. However, during the day, never let baby sleep more than a feed cycle.
- If your baby weighs 10 pounds and is consuming at least 25-30 ounces of food or getting 6-8 feeding sessions, she doesn’t need an additional night feed. If she wakes up crying for food, give her a pacifier. By the third night, she won’t wake for it.
- Sleep disturbances may happen when baby starts solids or goes through a growth spurt or transition.
Be gentle when you greet your baby in the morning. You can sing a cheerful wake-up song to identify the time as morning. After the song, you can ask your baby, “Did you have a nice sleep? It’s so good to see you. You must be hungry. I’m going to pick you up now.”
Y = It’s Your Turn
It’s time to rest, rejuvenate, get things done.
For at least the first two months, tell everyone you aren’t available. Don’t center everything around your newborn; pamper yourself. Ask someone to take over so you can be truly off duty. Take at least three one-hour naps each day during the first six weeks (Yeah, right!). Don’t waste valuable rest time on the phone or household chores. Get support from other parents, groups and counselors.
Skip mom guilt and spend your energy on solutions that improve your situation. If you work 12 hours a day, find ways to make time at home more meaningful. For example, don’t answer the phone when with baby.
Take care as a couple. Schedule dates and childless vacations, even if you won’t go for a while. Apologize when you snap, because you will.
I really loved this last piece of advice. It really helped me not feel like a bitch. Like thousands of other parents, I snapped so much at my husband the first couple of months. In hindsight, I see how lack of sleep, stress of transitioning to parenthood, and the unexpected, all-encompassing care of a newborn is a recipe for disaster. Just remember, this too shall pass.
SLOW Down (and appreciate your baby)
Babies’ only communication is their crying and body movements. Your baby’s crying has nothing to do with you; don’t take it personally.
As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, maybe you should take it personally. I find these general statements dangerous. True, just because your baby is crying doesn’t mean you are a bad parent; BUT, your baby’s cry can mean that you are doing something wrong and something needs to change. Giving every parent a free pass is risky for babies.
You need to support your baby but don’t rush in to save her at the slightest peep; let her learn self-soothing skills.
Stop
Take three deep breaths to center yourself and remain objective so you don’t project your own fears onto your baby.
Listen
Listening to each cry can open a new world of understanding. Listen to what she’s telling you. Each cry is a request to “meet my need”. When baby is ignored or every cry results in food, she learns that it doesn’t matter how she cries – it will result in same outcome. Eventually she’ll give up and all cries will sound the same.
Observe
If your baby is fussing or crying, pause and try to figure out what she’s saying. For understanding and insight on what is wrong watch her movements: flailing arms, tongue curling and darting in and out of mouth, back arching. Each gesture means something. Pay attention to the sounds she’s making. Pitch, intensity, frequency are all parts of baby language.
What’s Up?
Imagine what it’s like to be the baby. In order to understand your baby, try to remember what was happening before she started crying. Sense the temperature and listen to the room’s noises. “Reading” your baby involves using your senses to interpret their language. Most parents can learn to decode “baby talk” within 2-4 weeks.
In sum, by slowing down, you can meet baby’s needs more appropriately. You become so good at reading your infant, you spot distress before it has a chance to spin out of control.
That last part is pretty much garbage; studies prove otherwise. Parents cannot decipher between different cries so don’t berate yourself for not “decoding” your baby. Babies’ cries are actually often tied to schedule. Once again, the author is trying to overcomplicate things, as if it’s a science. Hogg may imply she’s a genius guru who knows how to study baby’s every gesture, but medical professionals who encounter thousands of babies can’t. I’m pretty sure she’s not more skilled than them.
While I disagree with her pseudo-scientific approach, I absolutely agree with taking a pause to observe your baby and figure out what she needs. It’s a process of elimination, which is perfectly fine- run through the “possible problem” list to figure out what the issue might be. If you pop a boob in her mouth every time she cries, you’re teaching her to shut up and not ask for help. You are laying the foundation for later communication; it’s important that your child knows she can share, and you will listen. I always found it funny how my husband thought our daughter was either claustrophobic in her swaddle, or gassy when she cried; knowing my husband, it was pure projection!
Sucking is one of the first ways your baby masters her body and emotions, let her. She gets a sense of accomplishment and control when she discovers her thumb and feels better when sucking it. Don’t use pacifiers in place of listening to what she needs; you are effectively silencing her.
I completely agree. You are just plugging up their mouth if you pop it in whenever she cries. There’s a fine line with pacifier use.
Parents who acknowledge and attend to their needs nurture secure babies who don’t cry when they’re put down because they feel safe on their own. They trust that someone will be there if they need.
A.B.C. Technique and Accidental Parenting
When parents don’t intentionally parent and things end up a mess, Hogg advises on how to undo the consequences. (Brace yourself. Here comes another acronym…)
Antecedent
What came first? What were you and doing at the time? What else going on around her?
Behavior
What is baby’s part in this – crying? Does she look/sound angry? Scared? Hungry? Is what she’s doing something she usually does?
Consequences
What kind of pattern has been established? The key is to introduce a new behavior to allow the old one to fade out. This takes 3 days of consistency. Solve one problem at a time, slowly and in small steps.
Summary
So, what do I think about this book? By now, you know my very strong opinion. I found the author to be a bore…elementary, unoriginal, obnoxious and often wrong. She really provides no new philosophies of care (except for her pick up/put down sleep method) buts acts as if she’s imparting exceptional wisdom. At its core, if you scrape away all the junk, I agree with most of her principles. However, I’d get the info elsewhere and skip this book. But that’s just me- if you like an irritating know-it-all, this may just be the book for you.
