What is Simplicity Parenting?
“Simplicity Parenting” aims to help parents strip away unnecessary, distracting, and overwhelming elements that are shattering their child’s attention, and create an environment that is conducive to the gradual emergence of their identities, resilience, and well-being. In this book, author Kim John Payne, shows you how to use the extraordinary power of less to raise calmer happier more secure kids.
I think “Simplicity Parenting” is great. We live in a world where kids are exposed to too much, are pushed into adulthood too quickly, are given way too much—except the luxury of simply being kids. While the book is a bit overzealous in its promises (What book isn’t?), it does a great job of explaining why, and how, to re-focus.
Why Simplify
We are living our lives with too much stuff, too much information and too many choices. This robs children of the time they need to explore their world and develop into their true selves. While our children generally don’t have major traumatic events, they have ongoing little stresses that add up. This is what the author calls soul fever. These drag on a child’s ability to be mentally, emotionally, and physically resilient. ADD and other behavioral tendencies can be eased by creating a calmer, simplified life.
“Too much, too early, too fast” can also plant the seeds for addictive behaviors—producing adults always looking for external stimulation and avoiding pain or boredom.
Eliminating some of the clutter in our lives has two effects. First, we as parents will live calmer, more centered lives where we can concentrate on what we really value, and where awareness of our child will deepen. Second, with fewer distractions, our child’s attention expands, their focus deepens, and they have more mental and physical space to explore the/their world.
To me, the maturity of children today in actions, words and dress is baffling. Their innocence and development need to be respected. YouTube videos of children twerking to Beyoncé, or seeing kids watching hours of TV make me super uneasy. Kids should be playing outside, running around and carefree. There is no need to push them into adulthood or to numb them for hours with TV.
Before You Simplify
Imagine an average day for your family as it might look to an observer. What are the difficulties that may arise? What periods of the day are constantly stressful? Look at the areas of your daily life that are well aligned with your best intentions. What makes these areas work?
Think back to how you envisioned your family life before you had a child. Even if it was a little unrealistic, your vision demonstrated your hopes and what you value most. This mental image will help you chart a course for simplification.
There are four specific areas to simplify: (i) environment, (ii) rhythm, (iii) schedules and (iv) speech. With each one, start small and then move to bigger conquests.
1) Environment
Children who have tons of stuff and choices learn to undervalue them all and hold out for whatever elusive thing isn’t offered. Simplifying your child’s environment entails simplifying her a) toys (and play experiences), b) books, c) clothes, d) food and e) sensory environment.
Toys.
Consider play at its simplest—what it can do and be for kids, what needs it fills, and what develops naturally from it. Kids don’t need a lot of toys; what they need most is unstructured time. Simplify by downsizing to half their toys, and then half again.
Toss These:
- Broken toys/toys missing parts (unless it’s a beloved toy)
- Developmentally inappropriate toys
- “Fixed” toys; too detailed, complicated and just require pushing buttons. Doesn’t require imagination.
- Toys that do too much and break easily
- High-stimulation toys (flashing lights, noise, movements)
- Annoying or offensive toys
- Toys that claim to aid development
- Fad toys/toys purchased under pressure. Parents who give in to fads need to keep up with new ones, a path which can erode a child’s sense of what’s important in life.
- Toys that inspire corrosive play—play that isn’t pleasant or joyous. (You’ll know it when you see it.)
- Duplicates
The first removed half will be discarded/donated, the second will be both discards and toys for storage to replace the keepers, and the third will be the keepers.
There is no magic number for how many toys your child should have; see how many toys your child can put away in five minutes and let that be your guide. Ideally, you want a few beloved toys visible and accessible to your child. Have others accessible but in baskets so there is less visual clutter, allowing for optimal focus, deeper play and engagement.
When we don’t try to fill children’s minds and toy chests with prefabricated examples of “imagination,” they have more freedom to forge their own ideas into play. You can also add toys to inspire new directions of play, use the below as a guide.
Qualities for Play:
- Repetition – Toys or experiences that allow your child to master something through trial and error.
- Senses – Have toys of natural materials with various textures, angles and weights. Food preparation offers many sensory delights: kneading dough, aromas, mixing consistencies and liquids, forming cookie shapes, butter melting into the craters of toast.
- Pretend/Imaginary play- Children ages two and above like to play pretend. This helps develop executive function, including the ability to self-regulate, focus and control impulses.
- Experience – Children need experiences, not entertainment. Let them climb trees, fly kites, take mud baths, dig for worms and experience nature.
- Purpose and industry – Give your child real tools for their work—their own “real” kitchen, cleaning and garden tools—and an accessible place to store them. Involve them in a task so they feel a sense of power, purpose and belonging.
- Personal Space – Children have a deep need for their own special places. A cardboard box, a fort made from furniture and blankets or a treehouse are some examples.
- Social interaction – There is no substitute for human interaction. Parents should engage their babies often and with pleasure. From around the age of 2, children should have a doll to bond with. They should engage in activities they can share with others.
- Movement – Toys to inspire movement and active play; bikes, balls, skates, scooters, climbing ropes, jungle gyms, etc.
- Art/Music – Children need to create, to feel/see/move their world in new directions. They should always have paper, crayons and pencils, paints, a modeling medium, fabric, scissors, glue; wooden rattles, drums, bells, whistles, harmonicas; in a dedicated space for creating and crafting.
Books
For children younger than 8 or 9, keep one or two books accessible so they can concentrate on and immerse themselves in what they are reading. Place a dozen or fewer books away on a bookshelf so you can rotate as they grow.
Kids love repetition—the consistency and security of it is very soothing—and will re-read books day after day. Repetition deepens an experience and relationship for a child, helping them claim it as their own. Children up to 8 years old can be told and read the same story repeatedly for days.
Evaluate books like toys. Is it developmentally appropriate? Is the book designed to engage the child’s imagination?
Initially, I thought having only two books handy was ridiculous. However, as I write this post, my 21-month-old daughter is always asking for the same two books (in case you’re interested, “Daddy Gnu” and “Huggy Kissy”). When she has several books, she just goes from one to the next in seconds. She absolutely explores one book deeply if it’s her only option.
Clothes
Simplifying a child’s wardrobe simplifies daily life. Reduce their number of clothes to a manageable, accessible, and streamlined mix. A child’s clothes need to make only the obvious statements: “I’m dressed and ready for school” or “I’m comfortable and ready to play.”
While this may be pure projection on my part (I’m partial to nice clothes) I have to part ways with the author here. He leaves no room for fun in some of life’s little pleasures. Children do not live in a monastery. The joy my daughter gets when putting on her “bunny” shirt is pretty clear. I think the author leaves no room for the joy many of us feel when putting on certain clothes. Having said that, I think it’s important that clothing be age-appropriate and that children don’t become walking mannequins. Children should be allowed to get dirty and dress in ways that don’t restrict their play. I personally take care in how I dress my daughter, however, no matter how much it hurts, I don’t stop her from getting dirty, playing in the mud or sliding down a hill. I take a deep breath, know that there’s always stain remover, and allow her to explore as she needs to.
Food
As with toys, limit choices and complexity. Simplify the number of food options and the tastes of those options by backing off highly processed and sweetened foods. Food is nourishment, not entertainment. When food shopping, ask yourself: Is this food designed to nourish or to entertain? Did it exist fifty years ago? Is it unnecessarily complex, with ingredients you can’t identify or pronounce?
Again, I part ways somewhat here (and again, I may be projecting) – food is one of life’s greatest pleasures. As with clothing, the author is completely minimizing the fun aspects that food brings to our lives. What is life if not for moments of pleasure and enjoyment? There should be space in your child’s life for fun and exciting foods. When my daughter was new to solids I only gave her healthy food options. Once she hit about 20 months I started giving her treats in moderation. She saw other children with chips, ice cream and cookies so I did not want her left out of the fun. The joy my daughter gets when eating an ice cream is honestly such a pleasure for me to see.
The first step to simplifying foods is to wean them off highly processed food. You can ease into it or go “cold turkey.” When backing off extreme tastes, offer bold textures but healthier choices (baked vegetable chips to replace Doritos). Don’t let a difficult few weeks stop you from making this change. For teenagers, warn them of the change and let them know it is here to stay, but listen to their grumblings.
The Senses
Simplify the scents in your home, particularly in your child’s room. Their own scent, and the scent of a parent, promote a sense of safety and wellbeing for a young child. Chemical smells and perfumes interrupt an opportunity to create calm and connect with your children. Soften and simplify the acoustics in your home. When your child is young (up to about age 8), put rugs on the floor and drape some cloth on the ceiling in their room. Consider different levels and types of light in your home. It’s quite powerful to incorporate the light of a candle at least once a day, like at bedtime or bath time.
2) Rhythm
The busier your life, the more your child needs a sense of rhythm and ritual. Start with any point in your day—from mealtimes to teeth-brushing time—and make it more rhythmical. Even if you have a tough time getting a rhythm going, you’ll at least be increasing predictability. Young children find security in the patterns of daily life. They feel safe to venture out and explore when they know what to expect. Calmly let your child know what they can generally expect for the day. (”Here is your bathing suit because you’ll be going swimming tomorrow.”). Reduce the ways your child is caught by surprise. For example, unless they are in danger, do not scoop up your toddler from behind. Politeness and respect at home also establish a base beat of predictability in a rushed, often rude, world.
How to Establish Rhythm
Which are your child’s difficult periods? Transitions are often the trickiest (getting out the door in the morning). Bring more rhythm to these periods.
Begin with something small (hanging a jacket in the same spot) and move to bigger changes. Make sure your commitment is complete as it’s all about repetition and care. One way to make any activity more rhythmic, especially for kids under 5, is to connect the process with a melody. Each step can be sung, like washing hands before dinner – “a little soap, a little water…rub and scrub until the bubbles come.” For an older child, it may take a month to get into a rhythm; consult with them beforehand about the best way to adopt the change.
Family dinners get much simpler when they’re predictable and relaxed (Monday is Mexican, Tuesday is soup, etc.). Occasional high notes (Yay! We’re going out tonight!) are welcome against a steady rhythm. Give everyone a role in preparing and cleaning up, make dinner shared family time so that it deepens the family’s relationship.
3) Schedules
Too many scheduled activities may limit a child’s ability to motivate and direct themselves. Children need free, unstructured time; boredom often breeds creativity. Sports are great, but we’ve imposed adult concepts like competition and exceptionalism onto children. Children just want to play. For kids under 9 years old, organized sports should not take the place of free play. Notice when your child becomes completely focused on something and make space for it.
Balance Your Child’s Schedule.
Look at each day of the week ahead, and based on the schedule, label each day as “A” for active/very busy or “C” for a calmer day. This allows you to build a little balance. If Friday is the big class play—an “A” day—balance that with quiet time, a full weekend or two “C” days. Your goal is to eliminate over-stimulation.
Sabbath Moments
Create a Sabbath or Sunday feeling in your home: a day that feels different—that seems slower, quieter than the rest. Take a hike, read together or establish a “no-drive day.” Carve out “moments of Sabbath” to add balance to busy days and establish boundaries. These are “distraction-free zones” with no phones.
I make it a really big point to not use my phone when I’m with my daughter. If I’m on the phone I feel like I’m giving her one message: the phone is more important than you. She does not get her mother’s presence or full attention when I’m distracted by it. When she was a baby it was much easier to commit to this – I’d be holding her a lot so it didn’t leave much room to think about my phone. Now that she’s a toddler, it is an absolutely huge struggle to commit to this. However, it is a goal I strive for.
4) Speech and The Adult World
The final step of simplifying is to filter out the adult world and protect a child’s world from adult pressures and concerns. Worry is part of parenthood, but it shouldn’t define it or pollute the atmosphere of your home environment.
Simplifying Screens
Shield your child from screens (television, computers, video games, handheld devices, etc.). Since 1999, the American Academy of Pediatrics has recommended that children under two watch no television. Computers are not beneficial to children under 7/8 years old; the author suggests a no-screen policy for children under 7. After that, find balance in what and how much they watch.
Helicopter Parenting
When we overprotect or become neurotic about the perfection of their every waking moment, we pass that anxiety onto our child and create a nervous emotional climate. Children need you as their base but also need to learn to cope with difficulties. Hyperparenting doesn’t fully respect our child’s independence. Out of love, we can back off from overinvolvement.
Talking less is a fundamental way to simplify our involvement with our children. Before saying anything to your child, ask yourself whether what you’re about to say is true, kind and necessary (more important than silence). If your child points something out, just notice and quietly bear witness (“Daddy, did you see that?” “Yes.” End scene.) or ask questions if warranted (“How did you get the tree like that?”). When your child complains of a horrible day, just remind them you are there for them.
Adult Topics
As a society, we talk too openly to children. When we let our children in on too much information, we rush them along without a foundation. Save discussions of politics, your jobs and concerns for after their bedtime. Children under 9 or 10 don’t have a complex awareness of their emotions, talking to them too much about their feelings just pushes them too quickly into adulthood.
In today’s superheated political climate, this is especially problematic and, therefore, important. In my many parent groups, I see moms deliberately bringing their children to political rallies and marches. I think this is so confusing for children as they cannot possibly understand what is going on; you are also robbing your child of the opportunity to think for themselves. I understand parents feel passionate about certain causes and want their children to learn and be part of it, but at what cost? There is plenty of time for them to learn. I remember walking down the street recently and seeing a 3-year-old girl wearing a t-shirt reading “I am a feminist.” I felt like bending down and asking the child, who I assume can’t read, what that meant. It is absolutely fine to be a feminist or have (almost) any opinion you have, but why force it upon your child? For what gain? It’s almost as if a parent is using their child to prove to the world how committed to an idea they are or using their child as a prop.
Sleep
It’s impossible for a child to go from full tilt to full stop at bedtime. There should be at least two “pressure valves” built into their day. Observe a moment of silence before dinner, light a candle, chat about the day’s events, read a story. Your child should have a set bedtime with strong rituals/rhythms.
Our anxiety is often the result of all the developmental comparing we do. Before falling asleep, remember the ordinary moments of the day, the moments with your children that meant something to you. This helps restore the prominence of “who they are” over “what they need to do” or “what benchmark they need to hit”.
Epilogue
Life will remain unpredictable even after you simplify; “things happen.” But “things” become far less threatening when viewed from a stable center.
My Final Thoughts
I can’t really speak to the idea of simplification being a kind of “cure-all.” In fairness, I read this book when my daughter was an infant, so there was a lot less time for stuff to build up. However, I find the author’s take on simplicity really necessary. We live in such a complex, fast-paced and volatile world where children lose their innocence early. They are literally growing stiff and losing brain cells glued to phones, TVs and computers. It is such a fresh visual to envision children running around happy and carefree.
Just today I had the opportunity to witness these principles in action. I told my daughter we’d be going to the park, to which she immediately responded “no.” My daughter absolutely loves the park, so I chalked her response up to “no” just being her favorite toddler word. But minutes later she invited me to come sit with her on the floor and play with her magna-tiles. We just sat there as she worked hard to build the tallest tower she possibly could. I kept thinking how, the longer we wait, the less time we’ll have to go to the park. Then it dawned on me: This is what my daughter wants. She looked so relaxed and engrossed in this play. Frankly, she was extremely proud and pleased with herself at having built a pretty tall tower. It is really these simple things that children want.
I absolutely love this point the author makes: “To fully appreciate the ‘ordinary’ is an extraordinary gift.” I am absolutely guilty of trying to create good experiences for my daughter, but what about just appreciating the ordinary like sitting and reading a book, opening some drawers or playing tag together. If I think about it, these are the moments my daughter is happiest. There is far less room for overstimulation or missed bedtimes in the simple things.
Final, random, thought: A few months ago, there was a massive Nor’easter that hit New York. Naively, I took my daughter out in her baby carrier only to find myself swept up in a powerful wind tunnel. I literally struggled to stay upright with my daughter as the wind was too strong to withstand. Two women ran over and clumsily tried to keep me up. When I looked down at my daughter, she was laughing. While I thought she’d be afraid, she was actually loving it. Since then, I’ve noticed how much she loves breezes, rain, mud and snow. I think it’s important to notice what children are interested in, make room for them and allow them to do a lot of their exploration in nature. I don’t know if this book is the cure for ADD or addiction as the author seems to imply—I’d venture to guess these complex issues don’t have a simple solution—but I do think simplifying will help your family gain a calmer, more secure and relaxed home.
